You know that feeling you get when you feel like you've been here before? Where everything about where you are, seems incredibly familiar and yet you know for sure that you've never been there?

Well, this place seems familiar. The marble floors, the Redwood sized columns, the polished wooden benches, they all seem like a photo from a distant dream. But I haven't been here before. Maybe it was something like this, but it wasn't here.


Hunched over I stare at the train tracks not too far from where I am sitting. I don't know which direction the train is going, and I don't even know when it will be here. All I know is that the ticket I hold in my hand is for the next train. I was given this ticket along with a promise, "This will get you to a place far beyond your imagination. Just wait for the next train. It will take you there." That's all the ticket man said before he walked off.

At first it was easy. I can imagine some pretty cool stuff, so if it's better than all that, wherever this train will take me is going to be someplace spectacular! "Yeah," I thought to myself, "I will have no problem waiting for the train."

But then minutes turned into hours, and I was getting restless. When would this train come!? And those hours soon added up to days. That's when an unwanted friend sat down beside me; his name was Doubt. He kept asking me when the train would come. He even wondered if I missed the train, or if the train even existed at all. Then he started asking me about the ticket man; maybe he was misinformed, or maybe he tricked me.

Doubt tried to be nice, he tried offering me ideas of how to fix my situation as if something was wrong with it. He suggested I stop waiting and just hunt down the ticket man to question him. Then he suggested I simply follow the tracks on foot because, clearly, the train wasn't coming.

I thought about it a little. And the longer I sat there waiting, the more I thought about it. Maybe Doubt was right after all, maybe I would be better off following the tracks on my own, at least then I'd be doing something. So eventually I got up, grabbed my bag and swung the strap over my shoulder. I stepped next to the train tracks and glanced to my left, and then to my right searching for a faint image of a train off in the distance, but there was none.

I took one step forward, and then hesitated again. Which way was I supposed to go? See, that's the thing with train tracks, it can travel either direction. And I had no idea what direction was the right one. So I stood there, upset, as Doubt whispered in my ear, "Just take a chance. Go with your gut. You've got nothing to lose. It's a 50/50 chance. If you pick the wrong direction the worst that will happen is you have to back track. It's still better then waiting."

I took one step back. "No," I took a deep breathe, "I think I'll wait here for now." And with that I turned around to find my spot on the polished bench once more.

Moments later, somewhere off in the distance, I heard a horn. It was a train, MY train! I still couldn't tell what direction it was coming from, and I knew without looking that it was still out of sight, but it's out there. My train IS coming! Where it will take me I still don't know, but it exists and it will take me somewhere better than I can imagine!


Slowly, as I nestled myself back into the bench, my lips formed an upward arch that even Doubt couldn't hold back.

I haven't been on here in a while. And I can tell you why. In order for me to write, like really write, it comes from the heart. A place I have been avoiding for quite some time. Part of me knew it, and part of me ignored it.

There's actually been something pressing on my mind since Wednesday that I've wanted to write. Countless times I have written it in my head and discussed it with myself. But to write it on here...that's actually admitting it.

But nevertheless I told my sister-in-law I would post this weekend (cause to me, Monday is included in the weekend). Ironically, I told her this less than an hour before the pressing issue came to mind. Which, to me, means this is something that I need to post not just because she requested I update it, but because I need to...for me. One of those "hint hint, wink wink" kinda things from God I suppose.


Now after all that nonsensical rambling, let me tell you a little story. A story about destiny, and a story about fear. You see, I am absolutely terrified of my future. No, not because of the unknown but actually because of what I do know. Several months ago I was reminded of something I was made aware of several years ago; I'm meant for something big. I don't know exactly what, or how, but it's something big.

People must think it's such a cliche when I say that my number one fear is "not fulfilling what God has for me." But it isn't some show off, christian goody-two-shoes answer. That literally is my ultimate fear. And it stems from my awareness that God has something planned specifically for my life.

But almost a year ago, I had failed. My ultimate fear had basically came true. I was about to hand over my destiny. I was at a fork in the road and I made the decision to give it up and walk away from my purpose. Long story short, the direction I chose had a barrier further down the road. (Despite barriers never being fun to deal with at the time, can I mention how thankful I am for it? No joke, that was blessing number one.) That's when it happened.

At first I was heartbroken. I had given up the most precious thing I have ever been blessed with; a special destiny. I can't even explain how much shame and broken pieces of my heart were scattered on the floor. My biggest fear had come true.

Over a short time that eventually stemmed into an exhilarating chapter in my life where I was fired up to make up for lost time. It's like someone poured gas on some wood and I just struck the match. On top of all that I met a group of people who had the same fire blazing in their life. They were a group of people that were not okay with settling for life's mediocrity. I was high on life and purpose. I was ready to take on the world!

But then our group hit some minor bumps in the road of resistance. And while they didn't stop the group...they stopped me. I finally realized what it meant to have a destiny. It meant a life of resistance. While I would never lack resources, it wouldn't be easy. And when I looked in the mirror I saw someone frightened and incapable. You see, it's one thing to turn your back on your destiny, it's even worse (I thought) to try to attain it but in the end realize you couldn't live up to it. It's like letting someone bet all their money on a horse while you knew the entire time that the horse would actually place last.

I saw what was ahead, and I trembled at the thought. I felt like the mother of David did in the tv show, Kings:
"I don't want him to leave because he doesn't belong. I want him to leave because I'm scared he does. He's my son. I knew before anyone he was born different. In the call, seven sons - a mother knows. This one you protect from what *wants* to happen. He has a destiny in him. People with destinies, things don't go well for them. They die old and unhappy, or young and unfinished."


So for a while now I've been refusing to look at my past or my future. All I would accept to see was the present. The past reminded me of a fear come true, and the future reminded me of a destiny I wouldn't live up to. Then Wednseday happened. At bible study we discussed what promises and blessings will be shared with those who pursue God in everything they do.

It was one of those days where silence followed after the discussion. A group that takes about 2 hours to get to the lesson because we chat and laugh too much...the room was silent. "I've never heard that clock tick before" recalled LeMaire as he tried to break the lengthy silence. But even that couldn't break the heavy thought occurring in people's minds. Some were filled with excitement of what their life will reap. Others, like me, were caught wondering why we gave that all up and how we got so far away.


So the facts are these:
1. My future terrifies me so much it brings me to tears. Literally. I've teared up in public. And it takes a lot for me to cry (unless you bring up death, that's an instant tear jerker), especially in public.
2. I stopped letting other people get in the way of my destiny, incidentally now I have to get myself out of the way of my own destiny.
3. I have to relearn how to trust God because, like Moses, I feel so unqualified for the life he has planned for me. You see, the world's logic says this destiny of mine is improbable and impossible, while God's logic says it'll happen cause God's favorite people for the biggest, most successful, jobs are the unqualified. Opposing logic theories means I have to trust one to supersede the other.
4. My future is an all or nothing kind of deal. I'm either in or out.
5. The difficulties in life that I have overcome already...are just the beginning.
6. I may feel completely alone on this, but I'm not. I know I'm not. Problem is...can I believe and trust that I'm not alone?


So for those who actually managed to get through this very long post about my life, thank you.
Now I'm going to ask you to do something for me. First off, if you could simply pray that I am given strength to learn from my past and embrace the future. Second, if you don't have a similar ache for a destiny can you muster up the strength to pray for one? God has a destiny for every single person (whether you believe in Him or not). It's up to you to accept the destiny He has for you or not.
Just be forewarned: it's a bumpy road...oh, but it is a beautiful one.

A stagnant pond
...never fears the collision of rocks as it never moves past the comfort of its home. As it remains in one solitary place it begins harvesting bacteria and parasites. It also becomes the perfect breeding grounds for pesky little blood suckers.



A trickling stream
...travels at its own pace, seeing what it wants and stopping when it's done. It occasionally collides into rocks, but at its meandering pace the impact doesn’t sting too much. Eventually the stream either gains in momentum or it loses it; the rocks either give it the motivation to grow in speed and strength, or it discourages the stream until it becomes completely stagnant.



A rushing river
...explores the world, grows as it meets up with others, and moves with such intensity that leaves footprints in the world behind it. But it’s not always so easy; the rushing river has so much momentum that it often hits rocks with a crashing force that stings so much it turns white, and it often has constant resistance as it expands and forms its own path. But rarely does it ever slow down. The strength of a rushing river is so strong and determined that it sweeps all bystanders along with it and never gives up.


So which one are you? Which one do you want to be?
Me, I'm a stream that's gaining power and strength. Look out world, I'm becoming a rushing river!

Something that's been hitting me in different ways for a long time lately...

I get close to people when I experience the struggles of life with them. Those are the people I let into my life the most. Those who stand next to me with no obligation. It's a pattern I have. That's just where trust is built and my walls disappear. I don't plan it that way, it just is. I know many people are like this, they just aren't as walled up and closed as I am when I'm not struggling.

The thing I've realized though is that if this is my pattern. If this is the way I connect best with people...why on earth would God use a different way to strengthen our relationship? Time and time again I have some large crap come into my life. What I've come to realize is that it's just God saying "I really want to strengthen our relationship." And what's even more...He's willing to harm me just a little to bless me all the more.

Okay to most that probably didn't sound like a good thing. But if you think about it...when someone loves a person they would much rather hurt before they ever hurt that person. In other words, causing harm is about the worst thing they could experience. And yet God is willing to go through that experience because he knows 100% that the outcome will be worth it. There's no risk He's taking concerning the outcome, He is however going through the worst of heart pain by hurting me.

It makes sense I promise.

And I decided something last night. In all consciousness I realized that I too would rather go through all that pain and drama because His relationship is so beyond worth it.

The tricky part is the friends I have. I honest to goodness have lost friends because I have so much drama in my life. That is not a fabricated truth, I have been told such things as I have had friends turn and leave the door slamming behind them. So I hold in my drama. I tone it down. I don't share it with people. Not even my friends.

But then I realized that I would rather deal with all the drama in my life even if that means losing 'friends' because I gain the best thing of all; a better relationship with the God of this universe, my protector, and my friend.


So in summary this is what I expect from my life.
I expect drama to keep hitting me like a magnet. I expect that friends will leave because it's too much to handle. And I expect that God and I will be tighter than ever.

No drama is too much drama for me to handle if it means I get to have a stronger relationship with God as He helps me through it!
That my friends is life...and something about it. :)

Why is it that our society finds it hilarious to make sexist jokes about women staying in the kitchen? Do guys really, truly think that? Unfortunately, I think some do. While I think others just haven't thought much past the funny comment. But they should. They should know what they're telling the world through the jokes they make.

Jokes are commentaries on what you believe. And this is what these are interpreted as:
Women find their purpose in cooking
Women are inferior to men
Women are functional, not lovable
Marriage provides men with a slave
Men are incapable of cooking/cleaning

I hope the guys reading this were not snickering and nodding their heads. Instead I hope they realize that 1. that's how many women interpret and analyze those jokes. And 2. those statements are all wrong.

If you disagree with me that's okay, just tell me you can look at your Creator and tell Him that He needs to rewrite the Scriptures cause they’re giving the wrong message. Remind Him that women are merely functional creatures. So although we too were made in His image, it doesn't matter...we only reflect God's useful character. And don't forget to let Him know that He should probably work on His creativity because if all women are meant to live in the kitchen, He sure as heck ain't making every snowflake different, unique, and special.

By disliking these jokes I assure you I am not intending to be a feminist in any way. I have absolutely no problem with women who enjoy living in the kitchen. I do however have a problem with the jokes that make it so no woman is different from another, they all have the same purpose, and that purpose is to serve men. I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure that's how the white men saw the black men during the years of slavery. They just happen to be more violent.

Also, I’ve found that men (wait let me correct that; guys) hide behind the feminist accusation so they don’t have to listen to a woman’s outcry about these jokes. But that's no excuse. So if disagree so much that you must call me names as if we're in middle school again, please call me an idealist.

My primary defense against these jokes is not equality, rather it is sanctity. God made women special, just as God made men special. But God also made marriage special. Very, very special. Marriage is a much more precious thing than those jokes degrade it to.

If you disagree with me that's fine. I'm just telling you what I see and hear when those jokes are made. Whether it's a girl or a guy making the joke.

The day it all began was a cloudy one. It wasn’t the perfect day, but it was still beautiful out. The tree I was leaning on had a branch overhanging me creating even more shade. Goosebumps formed mountains on my skin as I shivered with the cold breeze. I closed my eyes to appreciate it and all of a sudden the breeze turned into a gust of wind.

Slowly, droplets of moisture appeared on my skin but they were too cold to be sweat. In a little bit of time their speed picked up along with the wind and I could feel these droplets were rain swirling in the wind as they now whipped at my face.

I opened my eyes, scared to see what had happened to the cloudy day I was sitting in. It was hard to tell when my eyes had opened for the darkness was that of the back of my eyelids. The only difference was the coolness of the air and precipitation that my eyes were so sensitive to. Somehow I ended up with my back to the ground. I’m not sure how. It appears the tree uprooted and ran away, leaving me without support or the shelter of its branch.

I stood up and started running. I didn’t know what from, and I didn’t know where to. Just, anywhere. I had to do something, even if it wasn't productive. It had to be better than sitting in the storm.

After a short while of running, I stopped to catch my breath. I looked around me and…paused. Why was I running in the storm? I had nowhere to run to. I had nowhere to hide. If I’m going to endure the storm I might as well enjoy it.

With that I began running again. But this time there was a bounce in my run. There was a leap. A twist. …A dance! As I landed from some leaps in the air my feet came down with a splash. The puddles were deep and full of water. So now not only was I dancing in the storm, I intentionally landed in puddles so I could make the biggest splash possible.

The fun had just begun. I could care less that I was drenched and covered in muddy water. The rain from the sky helped clean me from most of the dirt, so I had little to worry about even if I wanted to. It was great! The storm may have caught me off guard, but boy did it turn into one of the best adventures of my life!

As the storm passed the dancing slowed to a halt, and the puddle jumping lost it’s luster. I sat down on a rock beside a rushing stream now overflowing with water. I looked down at my feet and although the rain washed away most all of the dirt from the adventure, it left my feet covered in mud.

Sticking my feet in the stream would have done no good, as the water was brown and far from clear. So instead I stared at my feet, wondering what to do. After minutes of starring I saw a few chunks of mud that seemed to create an image like that of connect-the-dots. And being the artist that I am, I decided to play around with the dirt. I swirled my finger around in dashes and dabs to form designs. After finishing one foot, I moved onto the next. And after finishing that foot I looked back at the other only to see the mud had dried up.

Days had passed by as I admired the beautiful drawn designs covering my skin. And one day the Servant of the land approached me and offered to wash me clean from the storm. Just before an excited ‘yes’ escaped my tongue, I remembered my feet. My mouth stopped mid motion as I realized becoming clean would wipe away the designs on my feet.

I knew the offer was too great to turn down. He could cleanse me far better than I could, and I knew I was still filthy from the puddle jumping. I love that squeaky clean feeling! But…my designs. It's not that I wanted the mud to stay. I didn't. Mud is filthy. It needs to be washed away to become clean. But the designs I made, they were made with mud. If the mud went away, so would the designs. But those designs...they were so original that trying to reproduce them would be impossible.

I already knew that the offer of becoming clean was an all or nothing. I cannot have Him cleanse part of me without cleaning all of me. So I am left with a decision: Sacrifice my designs to become squeaky clean, or sacrifice my cleanliness to keep my designs?

What about you? Which one have you chosen?

Proverbs 30:12

There are those who are clean in their own eyes but are not washed of their filth.

John 13:5

Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

Ever have a song that you come across and you realize that, if your life had a soundtrack, this song would be the cover title and inspiration? Well the following song is mine...


And this is why...


I've always wanted to make a difference...on a large scale. Not for the money, or for the fame. It wouldn't matter to me if people remembered my name or my face. In fact, I always thought it'd be easier if they didn't know me. I simply wanted to see people changed. I always have.


Ever since I can remember, I have always dreamed that I would make a splash in this world and this society. It was always accompanied with that feeling of drive and ambition...a need to make it happen. I didn't care so much about how to make a difference, I cared more about making a difference. I didn't care if it was public speaking, writing, or videography. I only knew that this desire in me to make a difference would always be there. And no matter what I did or where I was in life, it never did go away.


But over the past two years, that desire to make a huge difference did fade. I barely even realized it slipped away. But it never died completely...it was just sitting in the, very far, back of my mind. So far back I almost abandoned it altogether at one point. And although I didn't know it at the time, it was killing me to try letting go of that dream. And luckily, I never did. And never could.


You see, I've been living in the infamous "Christian bubble" for the past three and a half years. It's not like I was naive about the goings on outside the bubble, because I was certainly very aware. No, it was the perspective. It's one thing to be looking from the outside of society's bubble...it's another to be looking around while you're immersed in it.


When you're immersed in a culture, you feel more attached. And it's that attachment to the culture that so fueled my desire to make a difference. Living in a culture that is missing out on the greatest source of love, wisdom, and joy...I can't help but need to make a difference! Not for my sake, but for theirs. Not by my power, but by God's.


I don't care how God uses me to make a difference. Whether it be something I do for a career, something I do as a hobby, it doesn't matter. Maybe it's a change that won't kick in until after I die. Maybe it will just be a difference that is so subtle I never see my impact. I don't care. All I care is that God has placed this drive, this passion, this desire in my life to impact so many people in such a huge way, and I will strive for that until the end of my days.


To not strive for making that kind of a difference, feels like abandoning who I am. And what I'm made for. So for those of you who have tried to stop me, or have tried to convince me to do anything else with my life...I'm sorry but I'm not giving this up. And I'm not sorry I was stubborn. I've realized there is a stubbornness there that is meant to be there. Because unless you are God, you have no say in what my Creator had in mind when He made me. I think everyone ought to be stubborn when people try to sway them away from what God has purposed for their life. And, well, this is my purpose and I intend on striving for it no matter what people say.


For some reason, He knew I was up for this and that I could handle it...though I don't know why. I'm not perfect and so I have no right changing others when I myself need changing. I know the sacrifices will be great, and I still doubt I'm strong enough to make them. But I have faith that God will give me all the tools necessary to fulfill His plan for my life. And beyond that, nothing else matters.


So I'd advise people to either support me, or leave me alone. Don't get in my way. Don't try to dampen my dream, or tell me I should give up. And don't you dare tell me I was made to do anything less than this. But in all honesty, though, you could be right. Maybe I could do something else with my life. Maybe I'm not even capable of making a difference. But what if you are the one who is wrong?? What if I truly was meant for this? Because I would rather die foolishly trying to make a difference than run the risk of abandoning God's purpose for my life. I think being a fool is a far better consequence than wasting my life not pursuing His purpose for my life.



So for the song that stars in my life soundtrack, the only edit I would suggest for the lyrics is wherever "I was here" is sung, I simply request it says "God is here." I don't need, nor require, that fame or legacy. But God deserves it, plus more. Much, much more.

I just humbly ask that I get to play a part in making a difference in the world for Him...whether I see the impact or not. With every fiber of my being I hope and pray to make the biggest difference possible for (and with) Him!

Do you have faith in the church, or do you have faith in God?

Seems like a dumb question, I suppose. But it's legit. Reading over some previous posts I realized this is exactly the question I struggled with during middle school and high school. My faith used to lie in the church, and so when the church/people in the church disappointed me...I lost faith.

Besides giving me more to share in my testimony, I think I finally realized exactly what God was doing in my high school years. He was trying to take me from a faith rooted in the church to a faith rooted in Him.

It's one of those difficult things to wrestle with when you grow up in the church. Which is probably why it put me through so much pain. God was showing me over and over again that the church does not save me, my faith cannot rely on the church. For all logical purposes, the church is comprised of sinners therefore the church will most definitely fail me. Just as it has failed you.

Whether you're a believer, atheist, or agnostic...THE CHURCH HAS AND WILL FAIL YOU! The difficult thing to remember in all that, is that God will NOT fail you. No matter what. He may not fit in your cardboard box of what you think He should be...but He never will truly fail you or abandon you.

Reading through Mark, I see this constant misunderstanding that the disciples have of Jesus. Miracle after miracle they remain baffled and confused trying to figure out who Jesus is. They just don't get it.

He heals lepers, casts out demons, calms storms, and every time the disciples sit there amazed and shocked. "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" (Mark 4:41b)

You would think that at least the disciples, of all people, would get that He is the Messiah. But they didn't. Time and time again, they still didn't.

After reading through several chapters I just want to sit there and knock their heads together. Over and over again they miss the clues. Jesus basically spelled it out for them, even. No wonder He got frustrated when they had such little faith in Him! I don't blame Him.


But then again, how many times have I missed the big clues and hints that are spelled out for me? So many times God has helped me through incredible things...and yet my faith remains a mustard seed. He's been feeding me sunshine and rain, and yet it is still so small.

Who am I to criticize the disciples...I do the same thing. Sure they had Jesus right there and they didn't get it...but I have the Holy Spirit right here and I don't get it most of the time. I should know better, that seed should have sprouted into this large plant by now...but it hasn't.

It's funny....mustard seeds sprout into shrubs really. Not this big plant that "grows up and becomes larger than all the other garden plants and puts out large branches, so that the birds of the air can make nests in its shade." (Mark 4:32) Mustard plants aren't typically huge in nature. So how can they grow to be larger than the rest of the garden plants?

My faith on my own will not be big. If I strive for my faith to grow and grow and grow, the best it can do is grow into a shrub. But God has bigger plans. He wants to make that tiny little seed that is meant for a shrub into the largest of all plants. He wants, and can, make a shrub into great Redwood.

It is possible for a person to have faith, and not let God be the living water that grows your faith. But it is a faith that falls short of the plans that God has for it. We can only grow so much and so far. God can grow us into something far beyond what we are capable of! We just have to let Him.

I've heard it recently stated that one's relationship with God is that of Mountain-Top experiences and Valley experiences. But I disagree. I think there is one more experience that has been left out. But first let me clarify what he described to be Mountain-Top and Valley experiences.


On the Mountain:
This is where you feel energized. It's the equivalent of the roller-coaster highs.
Standing atop Mount Everest you are above the storm clouds and there is nothing between you and the Son. It's the experience that gives you goosebumps and you just want to shout you are so thrilled and full of energy. You have been refreshed.

Up top there are no distractions, there are no set backs. You are on the highest of highs. But he made a good point; vegetation does not grow on the Mountain-Top. You need to go beneath the storm clouds to get the nourishment of rain to truly grow.


The Valley:
Whether it is because we are so determined to share what we've learned that we run down the mountain side, or because we stumble and fall...we will continue to visit the Valley because that is where life exists and grows. Sometimes it's a soft slope back down to the valley, other times it's a quick steep slope. However and whenever we get there, we will return.

This is a place where life grows and flourishes. Some days the sky is clear of distractions and the Son is so easy to see. There is no mistaking the presence of the Son. But some days clouds of distraction fill the sky and you can occasionally see the Son break through the clouds. And other days storm clouds fill the sky bringing challenge into the Valley. The Son is hidden and the rain falls down. Sometimes the rain lasts for a short while, but sometimes the storm seems to last forever until you forget that the Son is up there in the sky, ever present as always. But someday the storm will pass. Some day you will see the Son again and remember his constant presence. And the grass will be green again, more luscious than before.



The third category is the in-between. The best of both worlds. The ideal (in my opinion). It is what I like to refer to as...

The Hill:
Much like the Valley this place is one that experiences the storms, the clouds, and the Son. There is no lack of experience on any front. It experiences that of the Valley, but the outcome varies. When you are on top of the Hill, you are not hidden by shadows. You rise above the shadows that try to hide parts of the Valley from the Son. When the rain comes, your endurance is higher. You soak up what you need in order to be challenged to grow, but the rest runs down the sides of the Hill so as not to cause flooding.

On the Hill you stand above the rest. But don't let it get to your head. It is not because of accomplishment that you reside there. If it weren't for the Son you would merely be a desert without vegetation. But if you are so energized that boasting must occur, boast in the Son...because that is why you are where you are.

Like a lighthouse on the shore, you are a metaphorical light. How you handle the clear days of Son and the stormy days of down-pouring rain can spread either hope or fear throughout the Valley. So be careful and be aware.

It may be an honor and a blessing to be on the Hill, but it is no easy experience. It is a well known fact that when a storm hits, the lightning will be attracted to the highest point in the Valley; you. The Hill-top experience is a target for trouble and challenge. But enduring the storm of piercing electricity is far worth the shadowless days where nothing is in the sky but the Son.



So where are you? Where do you want to be?

I am where I want to be, the challenge is remaining here. I did not get here on my own, and I will try my very best to remind myself daily that I will not remain here on my own either. One "I can handle this on my own" experience during a storm and the rain will cause the landslide bringing me back down to the Valley.

I don't want to leave the Hill. The blessings I have experienced on the Hill has far outweighed any experience I have ever had before. The Valley and the Mountain-Top do not and could not begin to compare to the Hill. I only pray that I find both the strength and the boldness from the the Son to remain on this Hill to continue to glorify God in every which way that I can.


Continuing to reflect the light of the Son, even during the storms, is by far the greatest honor and best blessing I have ever received. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, and I hope it stays that way.

Thank you so much Lord! I love you with all of my being!

Ever wish that your logic was inaccurate? As if you were missing pieces to the puzzle? Ever hope that you were missing crucial information that would alter your conclusions, because the conclusions that the evidence points to right now is something you don't want to believe? Or you can't believe?

What if your conclusion draws a contradiction with a conclusion from another grouping of evidences on the same subject? What then? Either one of your conclusions is inaccurate, or you're missing a whole other group of evidences that somehow tie the contradictions together.

So what do you do? What if you're no longer allowed to discover new evidences on the topic? What are you left with? Do you walk away and ignore the unsettling conclusion, or do you continue to struggle and make sense of the evidences that you currently have?

What if you can't make sense of it no matter how you try? You are either left with a contradiction, or loose ends that don't fit together. Neither of those options are livable. Something needs to get solved. Even a glimmer of some sort of solution that ties everything together without contradiction, that would be livable. But this? This is not livable. There is no glimmer of a proper conclusion.

So it's healthier to ignore the problem, right? But what if you can't? What if you're one of those people that need to see the logic (or at least a hint of logic) in every situation? But here you find none. The more you try to find that glimmer of a solution, the deeper you go into the tunnel and the further from sanity you appear.
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Welcome to the mind of a person who runs off of logic, and where contradictions create headaches (if you're lucky) and insanity (if you're not lucky). :D

Picture this:

You're sitting in a room with a handful of people. Maybe it's a classroom, maybe it's a conference room, but it's an enclosed room. You sit there listening to the conversation taking place, a discussion jumping from one voice to the next and then back again to the first.

All the while in the back of your mind, like a whisper you can't get rid of, is the ticking of the second hand on the clock hanging from the wall. At first you just ignore it. But after a while you start to get antsy. It's not because the ticking gets louder, or faster, it's because it won't go away.

You try your best to focus on the voices in the room. But the whisper won't go away.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

You stand up and pace about the room, still focusing on the discussion at hand. The people talking. They're talking about...something. What were they talking about? Something to do with....something. It was....

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

You know this. It was interesting. And. Umm. Relevant.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

You can't think anymore. You try so hard to ignore the whisper, but you can't. So you head for the door.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

The door handle. It won't turn. Why won't it turn? You need to get out of there. Why can't you? There's no reason this should be locked!

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

Now the faint whisper has grown to a loud metronome. The seconds tick away as you try to leave the room.

TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK.

You can't escape. The ticking won't stop.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

You give up. You sit down again. What are they talking about?

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

The shouting clock has returned to a whisper. You focus harder on the conversation.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Something about people.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

And international...something.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Minutes continue on as your entire body is trying to focus on the dialogue taking place. You still hear the seconds tick by, even after you are able to focus on the topic being discussed.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

The sound is still there, ticking away, as you mind tries so hard to focus elsewhere.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

All you've done now is managed to split your attention.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Half of your brain is unwillingly focused on the ticking of the clock, while the other half exerts all its energy to focus on the conversation.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

The ticking of the clock won't go away, so you make do. But you're exhausted. Your brain needs rest. It used most of its energy just listening to the conversation, so forget actually interacting.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Your peers don't understand. It was a thought provoking discussion, but nothing more. Nothing exhausting. Nothing mentally straining.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

But you. You can't think farther than trying to rest. So you go home and collapse on the couch.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

It's still there? Why hasn't it stopped yet?

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

This time you don't ignore it. Instead you listen closer.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It wasn't the clock on the wall. It wasn't the seconds passing by. It was your heart beating.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

That's why you felt it in your chest. Pounding to the beat.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

That's why you feel it pulse through your veins.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It just won't stop.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It just keeps going, and going.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

For some reason, your mind won't distract itself from it. It just hears and feels the pounding.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

Beat, after beat. It won't go away. You're stuck with it.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

And so you accept it. You can't change it. You manage.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

So you lie there. Giving in. Listening to it beat.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

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Author's note:
What you have just read gives you a glimpse into the life and feeling of someone suffering from anxiety. From the outside it looks like nothing. It seems silly when their heart rate goes up and all of the sudden they freak themselves out, causing an anxiety attack.

Everyone knows that the more you think about an increased heart rate, the more you worry and the more it escalates. So why do they keep thinking about it? Because most times they can't not think about it. They always feel it pounding; every moment of every day. It's not a choice for them. So the faster it beats, the less their brain can focus on something else...anything else.

They simply.....lose control.

I came to the reading of the story of Joseph, the boy sold into slavery by his older brothers. Sometimes the familiar stories are the hardest ones to not simply skim over. But their familiarity sometimes shares a feeling of home.

This time, I felt that feeling of home. Like seeing an old friend after so many years have passed by.

Joseph had a journey. A yucky, mucky journey. Yet, Joseph was a man of strength, patience, and faithfulness. A man of character regardless of circumstance. And his circumstances stunk.
(You think you had a bad day? Try being sold into slavery by your own siblings, hoping they'd never see you again.) But without those circumstances he would not have saved Egypt from famine.

I can't imagine Joseph woke up each day while he was in jail thinking "Oh boy, I must be left here to rot in prison for such a great reason! Something awesome will come because I am rotting here." If he did, I would wonder if he was human, and if he was sane.

More often than not, life is covered in gook. It's the reality of life's journey. The question is, what do you do with it? Regardless of situation Joseph kept his disposition and carried on, holding firmly to his trust in God.


My life is on a journey right now. A journey in transition. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for this transition to a new school. But it does come at a price. A price I wasn't ready to pay right away. The price of breaking ties with people back home, now that I'm attending a year round school. The price of breaking ties with my previous school. And so on.

Not going to lie, it sucks. More than I expected. But I was reminded of something today. My mother reminded me of what I had said several years ago. I had dreams of leaving all my friends and family behind to enter into a new culture...completely unfamiliar, and completely on my own.

I had a taste of it with my missions trip to Panama, not knowing anyone there, and all I could do was lean on God. The experience was worth the trouble,I promise.
(Archived post with more details for the curious...found below.)

Now I'm once again put in a different culture, though not necessarily new, and cut off from so many of my supporting pillars and communities of friends/family. So whether it is that dream coming true in a small way, or simply another taste of a bigger dream yet to come...only One can answer that question.

All I know is this is where my journey is leading, it's up to me to decide what to do with it. I could sit and sulk at losing so many ties with close ones...or I can play with the muck (cause playing in the mud can sometimes be the best) and lean on God, and only God, once more. I can follow Joseph's example and let his trust in God direct his path.

It's not fun going through the muck and mire of life sometimes. But honestly, it's worth it if I learn to seek refuge in the right place; God. There really is no better thing.


Joseph got it right. He new what the important part of the journey was. He understood that it's not what you're given that matters, but it's what you do with what you're given.

So here's my question to you, dear reader.
Do you focus on what you're given, or what to do with what you're given?

Here are some highlights from a document I wrote several years ago, summarizing my trip to Panama. I shortened it down to better exemplify the lesson of finding refuge in God when there's no one else. The rest of the story is interesting as well, but it cluttered the point I wanted to share.

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For those who do not know, I am now a junior in high school and I have just recently been allowed the great opportunity to go to Panama on a missions trip that changed my life!....

The Road Leading There
.....Although my initial intent of going on this trip was to serve God, and grow closer to Him, my intentions changed. Only weeks before I left for Panama, my life seemed to fall a part, and I slipped away from God. I had thought of calling the trip off but I couldn’t do that after so many people gave me support. Instead I used the trip to get away from a hectic life.

Getting There

The thought of going on a trip to a different country, without knowing anyone I was going with, was exciting and scary at the same time. I have relied on friends being there for me all my life, and I felt I could use this event to pull away from my friends and have only God there to rely on. And that is exactly what God had in mind for me to learn on the very first day.

.....I won’t confuse you with all the multiple cancellations, missed, and rescheduled flights I had on the way down.

.....I felt lost and scared, with no one to help me figure out what to do next. It was then, after many tears, that God showed me He would be there for me even when no one else can be.....The multiple changes of airlines and flight plans had lost my luggage. And when I would normally be completely annoyed and frustrated with all that happened, God gave me a peace I still can’t explain.....

God’s Messenger
One day I was having a horrible day.....And the thing that made the day even worse was, although we had Internet access I told myself that I wasn’t going to email friends because I would end up venting on them and I needed to learn to depend on God. I bottled up emotions, trusting that as I leaned on God that He would support me.....One of the girls from my team, that I didn’t really know too well, came over and asked if I wanted to talk. Although I declined, she insisted on going outside and talking.....the first thing she said was “I don’t know why, but for some reason God told me to come and talk to you. I normally don’t do this, this is all God. So is there anything you need to talk about?” At that moment I knew God was there waiting for me to lean on Him, and He knew and understood my needs. God answered a prayer before I even prayed it.....

God Has a Plan!
After I got back, I gave Brad a summary of the trip. One thing he mentioned was that he knew I was going through a rough time before the trip, but for some reason God told him not to approach me about it.....God knew what He was doing all along!....He brought me to a place where there was only one thing to do, and that was to lean on God and God alone. I was scared as I went through it, but as I look back it fits together like a puzzle. God wanted me to learn that I can lean on Him with my problems. He took everyone else away, and through my pain I learned a lesson I will never forget! God’s there, and He wants me to lean on Him!

When looking at a specific theme of a piece of literature it is important to note the context in which it is first mentioned. Which is why I thought it was curious that the first mention of love was not in the very beginning of Genesis. Hundreds of years of history occurred before it appeared in recorded history. It wasn't until chapter 24 of Genesis.

But that's not even the interesting part. What intrigued me was the context. It is far from any context that would pop up in our modern minds when you mention the word. I encourage you to read chapter 24 to see for yourself, but I will try to summarize.


It is the within the story of Abraham's son, Isaac, and how he meets his wife.

Abraham is sending his servant and his son, Isaac, back to the area of his kinsman to find a wife. Abraham holds Isaac to a covenant to find a wife of their own ancestry and see if she will go with him. (If she doesn't, the Isaac is no longer held to the covenant.) Above all, Abraham does not want Isaac to find a wife of the Canaanite tribe.

So Isaac and the servant (for it is his job to assist Isaac in finding a wife that meets the covenant) travel on. It is within this context that we see the word first mentioned. But it is not between Isaac and his wife/wife-to-be. Instead it is in a prayerful request that Abraham's servant mentions the term.

vs. 12:
"And [Abraham's servant] said, "O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show STEADFAST LOVE to my master Abraham."

I thought it was intriguing to not only see that the first mention of love is in reference to God, but it is a request for someone else. He does not ask that God show love to himself. Instead he asks God that He show his master that kind of steadfast love.


So what does that imply?
Again, the introduction of something often sets up the scene for how it's seen or used from then on out. The servant may have been requesting God show love for his master, but within that act I think he was displaying his own love for his master.

In writing we are told the introduction is so important. It sets the scene for the rest of the story. I don't think the beginning of creation would be any different, it sets the scene for the rest of...eternity!

Within the first few verses we see that not only is everything created and deemed "good"...it is also NAMED. Names are important, they are not just added for language and identification purposes. God did not need to communicate with anyone the first day He created day and night so identification was not the purpose of the names. It is because God saw creation as being good and also deserving of value.

It is the same thing for us, we name things and people that are close to us. While naming someone or something helps when communicating with others, it also expresses the decision that the person, relationship, animal, object, or what have you, is personally important to you. It is a way of placing value and special attention on them. So not only was creation good, it was also valued by God.

Just as the introduction of a paper, novel, or movie sets the scene for the rest of the story, so too does the beginning of creation set the tone for the rest of eternity. Despite shortcomings and failures, God will never revoke that value that was placed on creation nor the value that was placed on each individual.

As mentioned in a previous post...I'm reading the Bible through in 90 days. Which is exciting for those books of the Bible that I rarely read, but seemingly redundant for the stories I already know so well.

Okay well it only seems redundant if you let it. I love rereading something when you see it in a new light, and so far that's been the case with the book of Genesis.

First off, the creation narrative is so beautifully written in a poetic form. For those of you who use Photoshop or any other professional photo/graphic software you will understand the concept of layers. I just couldn't help but read through the first couple chapters as each day God created a new layer of creation.

First He began with light and dark. Then He specified it more with Heavens and water, then land and sea. But it is the next few chapters that my artistic mind devoured. From the land sprout grass forming another layer. And trees, another layer. And herbs, another layer.

Then followed the sun, moon, and stars. Another layer. Then the birds and fish. Then the beasts of the field. With each step adds a new layer.

It could have been kept simple. It could have been light and dark, land and air, trees and man, and that was it. But no. Out of the breath of God came life and color and beauty as He spoke them into existence.


Anyways, there's a random thought following yesterday's reading. We'll see what today's will bring. :)
p.s. check out youversion.com (an excellent place to interact with Scripture while sharing it with others)

I guess the number one thing I can't stand about suburbia, or even America is this need for convenience. Sure, I look for the most convenient items and ways to do tasks but that's not my number one priority.

I think America's number one priority is convenience. We value time so much that everything gets tossed to the side and we settle for lower quality jobs and relationships because it is all about how much we can do in a little amount of time.

What we end up getting is this thing called "convenient relationships." Which, in my opinion, are merely disguises. A true relationship cannot be focused on saving time because a relationship is built on spending and investing time. In a way I guess you could say that a "convenient relationship" is actually a contradiction.

Americans even have a name for those "inconvenient relationships." It's called "growing apart." And in many circumstances that is true. Life takes people many different ways. The relationship becomes inconvenient. And sometimes relationships will take a step down from there. Both parties will find other people to take the position of valued friendship, though never replace the person. And that's life. But what cannot happen is people continue to claim the title of a highly valued relationship, when the effort has been set aside.


(Side note: amount of quality of conversation and interaction is the best, but not only, indicator of a valued relationship. Rarely, though it does happen, experience and trust covers for lack of conversation and interaction. So don't ever expect a relationship to survive off of the past.)


And honestly, I'm sick of it! I can't stand being a part of it anymore! I'm sorry, if you want a convenient relationship with me I'm not going to bother. If you aren't willing to invest time into the relationship (both convenient and inconvenient time) than clearly the relationship doesn't mean much to you. What you make time for is what you value.

Now understand I don't expect everyone to do this for every person in their life. There isn't enough time for that, realistically speaking. I understand that many people "grow apart" and not every relationship can be saved.

I just beg this one thing of you, if you do "grow apart" accept it! Don't try to cling to the title of value when priorities have already shifted. It frustrates me when people merely claim to maintain that special sort of relationship; best friend, unrelated sibling, or anything else of the sort. If you claim a higher value to that relationship I expect you'll act on keeping the value on it.

I've been realizing how many "convenient relationships" I have right now that have a valued label and I simply can't stand it at all! It's all fake! A fraud! They want the title (and they do originally deserve it) but eventually stop trying to maintain it. Most of them are willing to inconvenience themselves when there's a difficult situation going on, but never just because it's been a while since we have caught up. That, my readers, is called being a good person, not being a good friend.

I can list several names of people who's friendships were lost because they became inconvenient. But I at least try to fight against the inconvenience. If there is any sort of communication from them, there will always be a response...and shortly after. Even if there isn't communication, I will go out of my way to communicate with them. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting against the inconvenience of life. So eventually I stop trying. Relationships are two-way streets people! One side of the street can't hold it together forever.


So here is my resolution to all of this:

I value my relationships and will continue to keep them alive and functioning (preferably growing) no matter how difficult and taxing, but I promise you I will not settle anymore. As soon as I notice that a valued relationship has become a one-way street for far too long without circumstance, I will simply (though brokenheartedly) bow out and accept its fate. It's called being phased out, and I understand now when my fight has become a nag to them.

I'm sorry, I can't keep doing it to myself. To have so many close relationships put all the weight on me is taxing and not worth it. I can tell you I will miss all of the "grown apart" relationships. I always do. I remember them all, and continuously wish I didn't lose their valued friendship. But it happened.

Keeping people around that claim a valued relationship but don't actually apply the value is hurtful to how I view myself and how I view relationships. Although it breaks my heart to let people go, sometimes that's just what needs to happen. There are other people out there (supposedly) who understand that a valued relationship means sacrifices from both parties of all sorts of circumstances, and those people are the once worth placing higher value on the relationship.

Just understand that I will willing take the effort to restore that valued relationship as soon as they are willing to share in the effort.

It's that time of year again. The time where everyone comes up with their New Years' Resolutions.

It always starts in December as the year is closing and you think up what you wish to change about your person and your lifestyle. Which is so kindly followed with the dark reminder of resolutions left unfulfilled, and most probably forgotten completely.

The question you end up asking yourself is if you should reattempt those unfulfilled resolutions, simply give up and make new ones, or give up on making resolutions in general.

I gave up on New Years' Resolutions a long, long time ago. About the same time my teachers started the idea where you write yourself a confidential letter about your new resolutions and then they will kindly mail it out to you either 6 months later, or the following year.

It's a great idea. But it's also a horrible reminder of how easily I dismiss and forget those resolutions. So I figured it's easier to not even bother. You know, less disappointing, less stressful, and so on. The only downside is I willingly let myself sit in a rut, unmotivated to improve myself.


This year when it came to resolutions, I automatically threw the idea aside just as I have done in the past years. But after a long time of thinking, I knew I didn't want to settle for a year without improvement and the goals to motivate me. So I thought about it for a few days and decided I would make some intentional goals to improve myself and my lifestyle. But then past resolutions flooded my mind like terrifying ghosts of the past.

Why did I never succeed? Why is it that I eventually had to give up? Was it lack of motivation, or accountability? Were they unrealistic resolutions, or merely overwhelming ones?

There it is! The root of the problem. Sure, motivation is required, and accountability is suggested. But I think the problem with New Years' Resolutions is the concept of it all. Resolving to do something for an entire year without giving yourself grace of a possible falling out is unrealistic and overwhelming.

The majority of people's motivation rises from the end and the result. And yet we plan these goals for three hundred and sixty five days! Yikes! How can we see the end of that?!



So THIS is my resolution. I am taking it section by section. I have an overall resolution for the year, but it is broken up by ninety day sections. With 90 days there is an end in site, and possibly a reward after each section to keep me going.

This year I plan on reading the Bible at least 3 times. (I hope for 4, but I'll give myself room to pick myself up after I fail to read some days.) The idea is breaking up the year and reading the Bible once every 90 days.

The overall goal of this resolution is that within the next couple years I will have read the Bible 9 times. Each time with a particular fruit of the Spirit in mind. The first section of 90 days I will be reading the Bible and focusing on the first of the fruits; love. For 2010 I am resolving to read through the Bible focused on the fruits of love, joy, peace, and begin reading through patience.

It will be committing approximately 45min-1hr of daily reading, which is quite a commitment. But I am excited. I'm psyched to read through the Bible with particular focuses in mind and seeing how that shows and teaches me far more than ever before. It will be difficult, and some days I will fail to finish the reading. But I am resolving to pick it back up when I put it down.



So to everyone who made resolutions
...take it step by step so you can see an end in sight.
To those who didn't make resolutions
...make sure you are at least conscious of what you want to change, and make a point to change it over a certain time. Don't settle for the rut you're in now.
To all my readers
...hold me accountable, please. I promise you I'll need it. Thanks!