There's actually been something pressing on my mind since Wednesday that I've wanted to write. Countless times I have written it in my head and discussed it with myself. But to write it on here...that's actually admitting it.
But nevertheless I told my sister-in-law I would post this weekend (cause to me, Monday is included in the weekend). Ironically, I told her this less than an hour before the pressing issue came to mind. Which, to me, means this is something that I need to post not just because she requested I update it, but because I need to...for me. One of those "hint hint, wink wink" kinda things from God I suppose.
Now after all that nonsensical rambling, let me tell you a little story. A story about destiny, and a story about fear. You see, I am absolutely terrified of my future. No, not because of the unknown but actually because of what I do know. Several months ago I was reminded of something I was made aware of several years ago; I'm meant for something big. I don't know exactly what, or how, but it's something big.
People must think it's such a cliche when I say that my number one fear is "not fulfilling what God has for me." But it isn't some show off, christian goody-two-shoes answer. That literally is my ultimate fear. And it stems from my awareness that God has something planned specifically for my life.
But almost a year ago, I had failed. My ultimate fear had basically came true. I was about to hand over my destiny. I was at a fork in the road and I made the decision to give it up and walk away from my purpose. Long story short, the direction I chose had a barrier further down the road. (Despite barriers never being fun to deal with at the time, can I mention how thankful I am for it? No joke, that was blessing number one.) That's when it happened.
At first I was heartbroken. I had given up the most precious thing I have ever been blessed with; a special destiny. I can't even explain how much shame and broken pieces of my heart were scattered on the floor. My biggest fear had come true.
Over a short time that eventually stemmed into an exhilarating chapter in my life where I was fired up to make up for lost time. It's like someone poured gas on some wood and I just struck the match. On top of all that I met a group of people who had the same fire blazing in their life. They were a group of people that were not okay with settling for life's mediocrity. I was high on life and purpose. I was ready to take on the world!
But then our group hit some minor bumps in the road of resistance. And while they didn't stop the group...they stopped me. I finally realized what it meant to have a destiny. It meant a life of resistance. While I would never lack resources, it wouldn't be easy. And when I looked in the mirror I saw someone frightened and incapable. You see, it's one thing to turn your back on your destiny, it's even worse (I thought) to try to attain it but in the end realize you couldn't live up to it. It's like letting someone bet all their money on a horse while you knew the entire time that the horse would actually place last.
I saw what was ahead, and I trembled at the thought. I felt like the mother of David did in the tv show, Kings:
"I don't want him to leave because he doesn't belong. I want him to leave because I'm scared he does. He's my son. I knew before anyone he was born different. In the call, seven sons - a mother knows. This one you protect from what *wants* to happen. He has a destiny in him. People with destinies, things don't go well for them. They die old and unhappy, or young and unfinished."
So for a while now I've been refusing to look at my past or my future. All I would accept to see was the present. The past reminded me of a fear come true, and the future reminded me of a destiny I wouldn't live up to. Then Wednseday happened. At bible study we discussed what promises and blessings will be shared with those who pursue God in everything they do.
It was one of those days where silence followed after the discussion. A group that takes about 2 hours to get to the lesson because we chat and laugh too much...the room was silent. "I've never heard that clock tick before" recalled LeMaire as he tried to break the lengthy silence. But even that couldn't break the heavy thought occurring in people's minds. Some were filled with excitement of what their life will reap. Others, like me, were caught wondering why we gave that all up and how we got so far away.
So the facts are these:
1. My future terrifies me so much it brings me to tears. Literally. I've teared up in public. And it takes a lot for me to cry (unless you bring up death, that's an instant tear jerker), especially in public.
2. I stopped letting other people get in the way of my destiny, incidentally now I have to get myself out of the way of my own destiny.
3. I have to relearn how to trust God because, like Moses, I feel so unqualified for the life he has planned for me. You see, the world's logic says this destiny of mine is improbable and impossible, while God's logic says it'll happen cause God's favorite people for the biggest, most successful, jobs are the unqualified. Opposing logic theories means I have to trust one to supersede the other.
4. My future is an all or nothing kind of deal. I'm either in or out.
5. The difficulties in life that I have overcome already...are just the beginning.
6. I may feel completely alone on this, but I'm not. I know I'm not. Problem is...can I believe and trust that I'm not alone?
So for those who actually managed to get through this very long post about my life, thank you.
Now I'm going to ask you to do something for me. First off, if you could simply pray that I am given strength to learn from my past and embrace the future. Second, if you don't have a similar ache for a destiny can you muster up the strength to pray for one? God has a destiny for every single person (whether you believe in Him or not). It's up to you to accept the destiny He has for you or not.
Just be forewarned: it's a bumpy road...oh, but it is a beautiful one.
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