I've heard it recently stated that one's relationship with God is that of Mountain-Top experiences and Valley experiences. But I disagree. I think there is one more experience that has been left out. But first let me clarify what he described to be Mountain-Top and Valley experiences.


On the Mountain:
This is where you feel energized. It's the equivalent of the roller-coaster highs.
Standing atop Mount Everest you are above the storm clouds and there is nothing between you and the Son. It's the experience that gives you goosebumps and you just want to shout you are so thrilled and full of energy. You have been refreshed.

Up top there are no distractions, there are no set backs. You are on the highest of highs. But he made a good point; vegetation does not grow on the Mountain-Top. You need to go beneath the storm clouds to get the nourishment of rain to truly grow.


The Valley:
Whether it is because we are so determined to share what we've learned that we run down the mountain side, or because we stumble and fall...we will continue to visit the Valley because that is where life exists and grows. Sometimes it's a soft slope back down to the valley, other times it's a quick steep slope. However and whenever we get there, we will return.

This is a place where life grows and flourishes. Some days the sky is clear of distractions and the Son is so easy to see. There is no mistaking the presence of the Son. But some days clouds of distraction fill the sky and you can occasionally see the Son break through the clouds. And other days storm clouds fill the sky bringing challenge into the Valley. The Son is hidden and the rain falls down. Sometimes the rain lasts for a short while, but sometimes the storm seems to last forever until you forget that the Son is up there in the sky, ever present as always. But someday the storm will pass. Some day you will see the Son again and remember his constant presence. And the grass will be green again, more luscious than before.



The third category is the in-between. The best of both worlds. The ideal (in my opinion). It is what I like to refer to as...

The Hill:
Much like the Valley this place is one that experiences the storms, the clouds, and the Son. There is no lack of experience on any front. It experiences that of the Valley, but the outcome varies. When you are on top of the Hill, you are not hidden by shadows. You rise above the shadows that try to hide parts of the Valley from the Son. When the rain comes, your endurance is higher. You soak up what you need in order to be challenged to grow, but the rest runs down the sides of the Hill so as not to cause flooding.

On the Hill you stand above the rest. But don't let it get to your head. It is not because of accomplishment that you reside there. If it weren't for the Son you would merely be a desert without vegetation. But if you are so energized that boasting must occur, boast in the Son...because that is why you are where you are.

Like a lighthouse on the shore, you are a metaphorical light. How you handle the clear days of Son and the stormy days of down-pouring rain can spread either hope or fear throughout the Valley. So be careful and be aware.

It may be an honor and a blessing to be on the Hill, but it is no easy experience. It is a well known fact that when a storm hits, the lightning will be attracted to the highest point in the Valley; you. The Hill-top experience is a target for trouble and challenge. But enduring the storm of piercing electricity is far worth the shadowless days where nothing is in the sky but the Son.



So where are you? Where do you want to be?

I am where I want to be, the challenge is remaining here. I did not get here on my own, and I will try my very best to remind myself daily that I will not remain here on my own either. One "I can handle this on my own" experience during a storm and the rain will cause the landslide bringing me back down to the Valley.

I don't want to leave the Hill. The blessings I have experienced on the Hill has far outweighed any experience I have ever had before. The Valley and the Mountain-Top do not and could not begin to compare to the Hill. I only pray that I find both the strength and the boldness from the the Son to remain on this Hill to continue to glorify God in every which way that I can.


Continuing to reflect the light of the Son, even during the storms, is by far the greatest honor and best blessing I have ever received. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, and I hope it stays that way.

Thank you so much Lord! I love you with all of my being!

Ever wish that your logic was inaccurate? As if you were missing pieces to the puzzle? Ever hope that you were missing crucial information that would alter your conclusions, because the conclusions that the evidence points to right now is something you don't want to believe? Or you can't believe?

What if your conclusion draws a contradiction with a conclusion from another grouping of evidences on the same subject? What then? Either one of your conclusions is inaccurate, or you're missing a whole other group of evidences that somehow tie the contradictions together.

So what do you do? What if you're no longer allowed to discover new evidences on the topic? What are you left with? Do you walk away and ignore the unsettling conclusion, or do you continue to struggle and make sense of the evidences that you currently have?

What if you can't make sense of it no matter how you try? You are either left with a contradiction, or loose ends that don't fit together. Neither of those options are livable. Something needs to get solved. Even a glimmer of some sort of solution that ties everything together without contradiction, that would be livable. But this? This is not livable. There is no glimmer of a proper conclusion.

So it's healthier to ignore the problem, right? But what if you can't? What if you're one of those people that need to see the logic (or at least a hint of logic) in every situation? But here you find none. The more you try to find that glimmer of a solution, the deeper you go into the tunnel and the further from sanity you appear.
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Welcome to the mind of a person who runs off of logic, and where contradictions create headaches (if you're lucky) and insanity (if you're not lucky). :D

Picture this:

You're sitting in a room with a handful of people. Maybe it's a classroom, maybe it's a conference room, but it's an enclosed room. You sit there listening to the conversation taking place, a discussion jumping from one voice to the next and then back again to the first.

All the while in the back of your mind, like a whisper you can't get rid of, is the ticking of the second hand on the clock hanging from the wall. At first you just ignore it. But after a while you start to get antsy. It's not because the ticking gets louder, or faster, it's because it won't go away.

You try your best to focus on the voices in the room. But the whisper won't go away.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

You stand up and pace about the room, still focusing on the discussion at hand. The people talking. They're talking about...something. What were they talking about? Something to do with....something. It was....

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

You know this. It was interesting. And. Umm. Relevant.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

You can't think anymore. You try so hard to ignore the whisper, but you can't. So you head for the door.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

The door handle. It won't turn. Why won't it turn? You need to get out of there. Why can't you? There's no reason this should be locked!

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

Now the faint whisper has grown to a loud metronome. The seconds tick away as you try to leave the room.

TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK.

You can't escape. The ticking won't stop.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

You give up. You sit down again. What are they talking about?

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

The shouting clock has returned to a whisper. You focus harder on the conversation.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Something about people.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

And international...something.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Minutes continue on as your entire body is trying to focus on the dialogue taking place. You still hear the seconds tick by, even after you are able to focus on the topic being discussed.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

The sound is still there, ticking away, as you mind tries so hard to focus elsewhere.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

All you've done now is managed to split your attention.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Half of your brain is unwillingly focused on the ticking of the clock, while the other half exerts all its energy to focus on the conversation.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

The ticking of the clock won't go away, so you make do. But you're exhausted. Your brain needs rest. It used most of its energy just listening to the conversation, so forget actually interacting.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Your peers don't understand. It was a thought provoking discussion, but nothing more. Nothing exhausting. Nothing mentally straining.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

But you. You can't think farther than trying to rest. So you go home and collapse on the couch.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

It's still there? Why hasn't it stopped yet?

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

This time you don't ignore it. Instead you listen closer.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It wasn't the clock on the wall. It wasn't the seconds passing by. It was your heart beating.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

That's why you felt it in your chest. Pounding to the beat.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

That's why you feel it pulse through your veins.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It just won't stop.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

It just keeps going, and going.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

For some reason, your mind won't distract itself from it. It just hears and feels the pounding.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

Beat, after beat. It won't go away. You're stuck with it.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

And so you accept it. You can't change it. You manage.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

So you lie there. Giving in. Listening to it beat.

Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk. Thu-dunk.

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Author's note:
What you have just read gives you a glimpse into the life and feeling of someone suffering from anxiety. From the outside it looks like nothing. It seems silly when their heart rate goes up and all of the sudden they freak themselves out, causing an anxiety attack.

Everyone knows that the more you think about an increased heart rate, the more you worry and the more it escalates. So why do they keep thinking about it? Because most times they can't not think about it. They always feel it pounding; every moment of every day. It's not a choice for them. So the faster it beats, the less their brain can focus on something else...anything else.

They simply.....lose control.

I came to the reading of the story of Joseph, the boy sold into slavery by his older brothers. Sometimes the familiar stories are the hardest ones to not simply skim over. But their familiarity sometimes shares a feeling of home.

This time, I felt that feeling of home. Like seeing an old friend after so many years have passed by.

Joseph had a journey. A yucky, mucky journey. Yet, Joseph was a man of strength, patience, and faithfulness. A man of character regardless of circumstance. And his circumstances stunk.
(You think you had a bad day? Try being sold into slavery by your own siblings, hoping they'd never see you again.) But without those circumstances he would not have saved Egypt from famine.

I can't imagine Joseph woke up each day while he was in jail thinking "Oh boy, I must be left here to rot in prison for such a great reason! Something awesome will come because I am rotting here." If he did, I would wonder if he was human, and if he was sane.

More often than not, life is covered in gook. It's the reality of life's journey. The question is, what do you do with it? Regardless of situation Joseph kept his disposition and carried on, holding firmly to his trust in God.


My life is on a journey right now. A journey in transition. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for this transition to a new school. But it does come at a price. A price I wasn't ready to pay right away. The price of breaking ties with people back home, now that I'm attending a year round school. The price of breaking ties with my previous school. And so on.

Not going to lie, it sucks. More than I expected. But I was reminded of something today. My mother reminded me of what I had said several years ago. I had dreams of leaving all my friends and family behind to enter into a new culture...completely unfamiliar, and completely on my own.

I had a taste of it with my missions trip to Panama, not knowing anyone there, and all I could do was lean on God. The experience was worth the trouble,I promise.
(Archived post with more details for the curious...found below.)

Now I'm once again put in a different culture, though not necessarily new, and cut off from so many of my supporting pillars and communities of friends/family. So whether it is that dream coming true in a small way, or simply another taste of a bigger dream yet to come...only One can answer that question.

All I know is this is where my journey is leading, it's up to me to decide what to do with it. I could sit and sulk at losing so many ties with close ones...or I can play with the muck (cause playing in the mud can sometimes be the best) and lean on God, and only God, once more. I can follow Joseph's example and let his trust in God direct his path.

It's not fun going through the muck and mire of life sometimes. But honestly, it's worth it if I learn to seek refuge in the right place; God. There really is no better thing.


Joseph got it right. He new what the important part of the journey was. He understood that it's not what you're given that matters, but it's what you do with what you're given.

So here's my question to you, dear reader.
Do you focus on what you're given, or what to do with what you're given?

Here are some highlights from a document I wrote several years ago, summarizing my trip to Panama. I shortened it down to better exemplify the lesson of finding refuge in God when there's no one else. The rest of the story is interesting as well, but it cluttered the point I wanted to share.

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For those who do not know, I am now a junior in high school and I have just recently been allowed the great opportunity to go to Panama on a missions trip that changed my life!....

The Road Leading There
.....Although my initial intent of going on this trip was to serve God, and grow closer to Him, my intentions changed. Only weeks before I left for Panama, my life seemed to fall a part, and I slipped away from God. I had thought of calling the trip off but I couldn’t do that after so many people gave me support. Instead I used the trip to get away from a hectic life.

Getting There

The thought of going on a trip to a different country, without knowing anyone I was going with, was exciting and scary at the same time. I have relied on friends being there for me all my life, and I felt I could use this event to pull away from my friends and have only God there to rely on. And that is exactly what God had in mind for me to learn on the very first day.

.....I won’t confuse you with all the multiple cancellations, missed, and rescheduled flights I had on the way down.

.....I felt lost and scared, with no one to help me figure out what to do next. It was then, after many tears, that God showed me He would be there for me even when no one else can be.....The multiple changes of airlines and flight plans had lost my luggage. And when I would normally be completely annoyed and frustrated with all that happened, God gave me a peace I still can’t explain.....

God’s Messenger
One day I was having a horrible day.....And the thing that made the day even worse was, although we had Internet access I told myself that I wasn’t going to email friends because I would end up venting on them and I needed to learn to depend on God. I bottled up emotions, trusting that as I leaned on God that He would support me.....One of the girls from my team, that I didn’t really know too well, came over and asked if I wanted to talk. Although I declined, she insisted on going outside and talking.....the first thing she said was “I don’t know why, but for some reason God told me to come and talk to you. I normally don’t do this, this is all God. So is there anything you need to talk about?” At that moment I knew God was there waiting for me to lean on Him, and He knew and understood my needs. God answered a prayer before I even prayed it.....

God Has a Plan!
After I got back, I gave Brad a summary of the trip. One thing he mentioned was that he knew I was going through a rough time before the trip, but for some reason God told him not to approach me about it.....God knew what He was doing all along!....He brought me to a place where there was only one thing to do, and that was to lean on God and God alone. I was scared as I went through it, but as I look back it fits together like a puzzle. God wanted me to learn that I can lean on Him with my problems. He took everyone else away, and through my pain I learned a lesson I will never forget! God’s there, and He wants me to lean on Him!

When looking at a specific theme of a piece of literature it is important to note the context in which it is first mentioned. Which is why I thought it was curious that the first mention of love was not in the very beginning of Genesis. Hundreds of years of history occurred before it appeared in recorded history. It wasn't until chapter 24 of Genesis.

But that's not even the interesting part. What intrigued me was the context. It is far from any context that would pop up in our modern minds when you mention the word. I encourage you to read chapter 24 to see for yourself, but I will try to summarize.


It is the within the story of Abraham's son, Isaac, and how he meets his wife.

Abraham is sending his servant and his son, Isaac, back to the area of his kinsman to find a wife. Abraham holds Isaac to a covenant to find a wife of their own ancestry and see if she will go with him. (If she doesn't, the Isaac is no longer held to the covenant.) Above all, Abraham does not want Isaac to find a wife of the Canaanite tribe.

So Isaac and the servant (for it is his job to assist Isaac in finding a wife that meets the covenant) travel on. It is within this context that we see the word first mentioned. But it is not between Isaac and his wife/wife-to-be. Instead it is in a prayerful request that Abraham's servant mentions the term.

vs. 12:
"And [Abraham's servant] said, "O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show STEADFAST LOVE to my master Abraham."

I thought it was intriguing to not only see that the first mention of love is in reference to God, but it is a request for someone else. He does not ask that God show love to himself. Instead he asks God that He show his master that kind of steadfast love.


So what does that imply?
Again, the introduction of something often sets up the scene for how it's seen or used from then on out. The servant may have been requesting God show love for his master, but within that act I think he was displaying his own love for his master.

In writing we are told the introduction is so important. It sets the scene for the rest of the story. I don't think the beginning of creation would be any different, it sets the scene for the rest of...eternity!

Within the first few verses we see that not only is everything created and deemed "good"...it is also NAMED. Names are important, they are not just added for language and identification purposes. God did not need to communicate with anyone the first day He created day and night so identification was not the purpose of the names. It is because God saw creation as being good and also deserving of value.

It is the same thing for us, we name things and people that are close to us. While naming someone or something helps when communicating with others, it also expresses the decision that the person, relationship, animal, object, or what have you, is personally important to you. It is a way of placing value and special attention on them. So not only was creation good, it was also valued by God.

Just as the introduction of a paper, novel, or movie sets the scene for the rest of the story, so too does the beginning of creation set the tone for the rest of eternity. Despite shortcomings and failures, God will never revoke that value that was placed on creation nor the value that was placed on each individual.

As mentioned in a previous post...I'm reading the Bible through in 90 days. Which is exciting for those books of the Bible that I rarely read, but seemingly redundant for the stories I already know so well.

Okay well it only seems redundant if you let it. I love rereading something when you see it in a new light, and so far that's been the case with the book of Genesis.

First off, the creation narrative is so beautifully written in a poetic form. For those of you who use Photoshop or any other professional photo/graphic software you will understand the concept of layers. I just couldn't help but read through the first couple chapters as each day God created a new layer of creation.

First He began with light and dark. Then He specified it more with Heavens and water, then land and sea. But it is the next few chapters that my artistic mind devoured. From the land sprout grass forming another layer. And trees, another layer. And herbs, another layer.

Then followed the sun, moon, and stars. Another layer. Then the birds and fish. Then the beasts of the field. With each step adds a new layer.

It could have been kept simple. It could have been light and dark, land and air, trees and man, and that was it. But no. Out of the breath of God came life and color and beauty as He spoke them into existence.


Anyways, there's a random thought following yesterday's reading. We'll see what today's will bring. :)
p.s. check out youversion.com (an excellent place to interact with Scripture while sharing it with others)

I guess the number one thing I can't stand about suburbia, or even America is this need for convenience. Sure, I look for the most convenient items and ways to do tasks but that's not my number one priority.

I think America's number one priority is convenience. We value time so much that everything gets tossed to the side and we settle for lower quality jobs and relationships because it is all about how much we can do in a little amount of time.

What we end up getting is this thing called "convenient relationships." Which, in my opinion, are merely disguises. A true relationship cannot be focused on saving time because a relationship is built on spending and investing time. In a way I guess you could say that a "convenient relationship" is actually a contradiction.

Americans even have a name for those "inconvenient relationships." It's called "growing apart." And in many circumstances that is true. Life takes people many different ways. The relationship becomes inconvenient. And sometimes relationships will take a step down from there. Both parties will find other people to take the position of valued friendship, though never replace the person. And that's life. But what cannot happen is people continue to claim the title of a highly valued relationship, when the effort has been set aside.


(Side note: amount of quality of conversation and interaction is the best, but not only, indicator of a valued relationship. Rarely, though it does happen, experience and trust covers for lack of conversation and interaction. So don't ever expect a relationship to survive off of the past.)


And honestly, I'm sick of it! I can't stand being a part of it anymore! I'm sorry, if you want a convenient relationship with me I'm not going to bother. If you aren't willing to invest time into the relationship (both convenient and inconvenient time) than clearly the relationship doesn't mean much to you. What you make time for is what you value.

Now understand I don't expect everyone to do this for every person in their life. There isn't enough time for that, realistically speaking. I understand that many people "grow apart" and not every relationship can be saved.

I just beg this one thing of you, if you do "grow apart" accept it! Don't try to cling to the title of value when priorities have already shifted. It frustrates me when people merely claim to maintain that special sort of relationship; best friend, unrelated sibling, or anything else of the sort. If you claim a higher value to that relationship I expect you'll act on keeping the value on it.

I've been realizing how many "convenient relationships" I have right now that have a valued label and I simply can't stand it at all! It's all fake! A fraud! They want the title (and they do originally deserve it) but eventually stop trying to maintain it. Most of them are willing to inconvenience themselves when there's a difficult situation going on, but never just because it's been a while since we have caught up. That, my readers, is called being a good person, not being a good friend.

I can list several names of people who's friendships were lost because they became inconvenient. But I at least try to fight against the inconvenience. If there is any sort of communication from them, there will always be a response...and shortly after. Even if there isn't communication, I will go out of my way to communicate with them. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting against the inconvenience of life. So eventually I stop trying. Relationships are two-way streets people! One side of the street can't hold it together forever.


So here is my resolution to all of this:

I value my relationships and will continue to keep them alive and functioning (preferably growing) no matter how difficult and taxing, but I promise you I will not settle anymore. As soon as I notice that a valued relationship has become a one-way street for far too long without circumstance, I will simply (though brokenheartedly) bow out and accept its fate. It's called being phased out, and I understand now when my fight has become a nag to them.

I'm sorry, I can't keep doing it to myself. To have so many close relationships put all the weight on me is taxing and not worth it. I can tell you I will miss all of the "grown apart" relationships. I always do. I remember them all, and continuously wish I didn't lose their valued friendship. But it happened.

Keeping people around that claim a valued relationship but don't actually apply the value is hurtful to how I view myself and how I view relationships. Although it breaks my heart to let people go, sometimes that's just what needs to happen. There are other people out there (supposedly) who understand that a valued relationship means sacrifices from both parties of all sorts of circumstances, and those people are the once worth placing higher value on the relationship.

Just understand that I will willing take the effort to restore that valued relationship as soon as they are willing to share in the effort.

It's that time of year again. The time where everyone comes up with their New Years' Resolutions.

It always starts in December as the year is closing and you think up what you wish to change about your person and your lifestyle. Which is so kindly followed with the dark reminder of resolutions left unfulfilled, and most probably forgotten completely.

The question you end up asking yourself is if you should reattempt those unfulfilled resolutions, simply give up and make new ones, or give up on making resolutions in general.

I gave up on New Years' Resolutions a long, long time ago. About the same time my teachers started the idea where you write yourself a confidential letter about your new resolutions and then they will kindly mail it out to you either 6 months later, or the following year.

It's a great idea. But it's also a horrible reminder of how easily I dismiss and forget those resolutions. So I figured it's easier to not even bother. You know, less disappointing, less stressful, and so on. The only downside is I willingly let myself sit in a rut, unmotivated to improve myself.


This year when it came to resolutions, I automatically threw the idea aside just as I have done in the past years. But after a long time of thinking, I knew I didn't want to settle for a year without improvement and the goals to motivate me. So I thought about it for a few days and decided I would make some intentional goals to improve myself and my lifestyle. But then past resolutions flooded my mind like terrifying ghosts of the past.

Why did I never succeed? Why is it that I eventually had to give up? Was it lack of motivation, or accountability? Were they unrealistic resolutions, or merely overwhelming ones?

There it is! The root of the problem. Sure, motivation is required, and accountability is suggested. But I think the problem with New Years' Resolutions is the concept of it all. Resolving to do something for an entire year without giving yourself grace of a possible falling out is unrealistic and overwhelming.

The majority of people's motivation rises from the end and the result. And yet we plan these goals for three hundred and sixty five days! Yikes! How can we see the end of that?!



So THIS is my resolution. I am taking it section by section. I have an overall resolution for the year, but it is broken up by ninety day sections. With 90 days there is an end in site, and possibly a reward after each section to keep me going.

This year I plan on reading the Bible at least 3 times. (I hope for 4, but I'll give myself room to pick myself up after I fail to read some days.) The idea is breaking up the year and reading the Bible once every 90 days.

The overall goal of this resolution is that within the next couple years I will have read the Bible 9 times. Each time with a particular fruit of the Spirit in mind. The first section of 90 days I will be reading the Bible and focusing on the first of the fruits; love. For 2010 I am resolving to read through the Bible focused on the fruits of love, joy, peace, and begin reading through patience.

It will be committing approximately 45min-1hr of daily reading, which is quite a commitment. But I am excited. I'm psyched to read through the Bible with particular focuses in mind and seeing how that shows and teaches me far more than ever before. It will be difficult, and some days I will fail to finish the reading. But I am resolving to pick it back up when I put it down.



So to everyone who made resolutions
...take it step by step so you can see an end in sight.
To those who didn't make resolutions
...make sure you are at least conscious of what you want to change, and make a point to change it over a certain time. Don't settle for the rut you're in now.
To all my readers
...hold me accountable, please. I promise you I'll need it. Thanks!