God’s not fooled or ignorant, He knows the truth far beyond the ones I outwardly admit to. He has come face to face with the harsh reality and intensity of where I’ve been because He was listening to every thought and every feeling as they occurred. There is no omission, there is no false justification, and to be honest He knows where I’ve been better than I do because I can push memories aside and refuse to believe them, but He knows. And yet He loves me; no more, no less. It is constant and steadfast.
The holy God that will have nothing to do with sin, remembers where I’ve been far better than I and yet He is quicker to love and forgive myself than I who has such a minuscule aversion to sin by comparison.
It seems illogical that things happen that way, but it’s not. The reason being because of this little thing that churches so easily glaze over, this thing called shame. One of the only times I hear it spoken about is when it is in reference to Adam and Eve.
Shame is not always a bad thing; it’s an honest recognition of wrong doing. But there are only two responses to shame. One response is to run to God in humility. The other is to hide from God and choose to condemn ourselves.
As humans we are so very strange sometimes, as I presume I am not alone in what I’m about to say: Sometimes the thing I fear most is forgiveness. Sometimes I feel better when I am condemned because I understand the gravity of what I’ve done. Grace (being given what I don’t deserve) is often easier to accept than mercy (being protected from what I do deserve).
I think that’s why I let myself carry around my past on my shoulders sometimes. I recall the past and when shame hits, I choose to hide under my own condemnation because I think I still deserve one. Because the truth of the matter is, I do deserve one. But to pass judgment on myself is to disregard the divine mercy of God as if to say that God’s love is not big enough or perfect enough to cover over what I’ve done. ...which is pride.
I remember talking with one of my girls about the burden of one’s past. I told her that, once dealt with before God, only we determine how much we carry into our present. “No, no, no” she protested “these hallucinations won’t go away and they aren’t of my choosing.” Every time my past comes in to haunt me (I may not see my past when I close my eyes but I feel the physical cuts on my skin and hear the voices reminding me I can survive without food) I wish I could remind myself of what I told her: Present reminders are merely the past begging for power because they don’t have it anymore. You still actively choose the weight they will have; dismiss them, laugh at them, listen to them, condemn yourself for them…you decide.
My past only has the weight and power that I give it because the reality of it is Jesus has redeemed and transformed me since then. My past is no comparison, no match, not even a fight worth watching against the power of God. The power of my past can’t touch that transformation. But I can let it infiltrate where I am now. I may choose out of weakness to listen to the torment because it feels easier than overcoming them, but it is still a choice.
But it’s not just about leaving the past behind me. God does not “forgive and forget” ...He forgives and remembers because the beauty is in the knowing where I’ve been. I cannot stand here today, being who I am, without having walked through my life. But oh so more important and spellbinding is that I got to where I am today only because of a love that was bigger than my mistakes.
Which leads me to the second song I’ve grown a liking to, You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. “Cause this is not about what you've done, But what's been done for you, This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you to.”
My God, my Father, my Pursuer..
You deserve far more than I can offer. I am glad You can smile and find delight in my offering the little that I have; myself. I love You, Lord. Don’t ever let me lose sight of that.
'King of endless worth, No one could express, How much You deserve, Though I'm weak and poor, All I have is Yours, Every single breath.'
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