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Contemplations and Compositions

~*~

Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~*~

If there's a book you really want to read but hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.

Toni Morrison

~*~

The Good Gardener

When I was a kid I remember running outside to see what raspberries were growing on the bushes. I also loved munching on the apples on our tree before they fell to the ground. I considered myself lucky to forage for a snack in the wild of my own backyard. I would peak through the thorns and bug nibbled leaves for a juicy berry. It was the pinnacle of childhood.


When I look back on those years, however, I see a different picture painted. My mom tended to her family rather than her garden and so the strawberry plots yielded berries for the squirrels and the raspberry bushes and blackberries overgrew and produced enough to feed the beetles and birds with the occasional stolen berry for a child’s pleasure. My bountiful childhood was really a story of growth despite neglect.


I wish I could say that my very own garden was any different, but I can’t. I get excited for the harvest in the cold winter months and plant the seeds, but by the time they’ve sprouted I’ve moved on to other things and don’t spend the time to prune them young. They are watered faithfully in spring but after several months of waiting for the harvest, I grow weary and water them less. They grow, despite neglect.


For many years my faith was like that. It grew through my childhood and teen years despite neglect. I bore fruit, but it was only because I have a gracious God. I was serious about Scripture but the harvest was slow coming and life kept me busy enough. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I truly began to tend to my garden. I planted it and watered it, but I was a novice. I didn’t understand what needed pruning and when. I cared for the garden and reaped in the harvest season, but I knew I could be producing more fruit than I was.


What a garden needs is a good gardener who is faithful and knows what they are doing.


A good gardener can evaluate the leaves of a branch and tell if it is going to help the plant grow or if it is going to waste energy and resources by maintaining leaves while producing no fruit. A good gardener is constantly pruning in their garden so that all of the plant’s energy goes towards producing a harvest, not just leaves. He cuts out the red herrings of our lives and leaves the rest to grow. He gets down on his knees, he works the soil, he gently trims the plants, and he ties in reinforcements for the branches that will bear fruit beyond its own strength. He tends to the garden because he foresees the growth and challenges that await it as time goes on.

A novice gardener is thrilled when two plants grow in the place of one because they think it means twice the harvest, but as those plants grow and compete for sun and water and space, neither will flourish. A good gardener knows how to discern when something simply looks good and promising but will only bring hardships that minimize future growth. A faithful gardener will weed out that which will stand in the way of future growth even if that means cutting the plant’s own branches. He does it because he loves and cares for the plant and the potential it has within it. He mourns each time the plant shrinks down in size when he has to prune, but he rests and rejoices in the knowledge that the harvest will be bigger and stronger because of it.


* * *


I praise God for He is the good and faithful gardener who turns deserts into gardens.


I praise God that He gets on His knees and dirties His hands so that His garden may thrive.


I praise God that He rips out the roots of the weeds that strangle His garden even though it unearths the ugly ground beneath them.


I praise God that He cares deeply for His garden and only prunes it to increase growth beyond its present potential.


I praise God that He knows that which is yet to come and tends to His garden accordingly so that it yields a plentiful harvest.


I praise God that He lets some fields die down so that He may return to rested soil ready to cultivate nutrient rich produce.


I praise God that He resurrects neglected and barren fields to someday overflow with vegetation.


I praise God that His gardens will always bring forth abundant fruit in their rightful season.


I praise God that He does not rest until after the harvest.


I praise God for He is the good and faithful gardener who nurtures wastelands into bountiful gardens.


* * *


“For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song” Isaiah 51:3

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The Pregnancy Announcement...And Why I Wish We Announced It Earlier

We're pregnant!! First time parents, and pregnant!! After we found out we were pregnant, we had 'the talk.' You know, the talk of who to tell and when. It's a major decision that every couple handles differently.

Wait, they said.

Everyone else does these days.

Imagine having to retract the announcement if tragedy hit, they warned me.

That was the advice of faceless women and articles on the internet written by strangers. The big "what if" looming over me constantly. So, being the pessimist that I am, I listened. And waited. We decided to tell only a few people, the ones that we would want to know if we did miscarry. So we didn't tell very many people.

But I wish we had.

A week or so later, the nausea hit. That uncomfortable, wish I were dead, overpowering nausea. Some days were fine, but others were unbearable. So as my husband's three week trip approached, we decided to tell a few more people but we still didn't tell everyone in our close circle.

With every announcement people shared their excitement...while I plastered on a smile. How could I not be happy? We wanted to start a family. We should be happy we didn't have to battle infertility like so many other couples do. But I wasn't happy. I was miserable. Our good news was overshadowed by my horrible morning sickness.

It came time for my husband to leave on his work trip, followed by two weeks out of the country. The first week was hard. Nausea kept hitting me and making me not want to eat so family came down for a few days to help me eat, and I made it through the week.

The second week I was doing okay. I wasn't eating a lot on my own, but I was meeting up with people and eating. I was managing. But then it hit full force. I finally got around to eating late in the evening, but by then it was too late. My body had since decided it didn't want to keep anything down. The next day was followed by attempting different foods and liquids, but my body kept rejecting everything.

On a weekend in July, it's not surprising that most of the friends we told about our pregnancy were on vacation. So I had to tell a few family and friends about the good news followed by "I need to go to the hospital." That's not exactly the way I envisioned sharing the 'happy' news.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Also known as, morning sickness times one hundred.

There I was, severely dehydrated with an IV in my arm and a husband out of the country. I had friends from out of town who got their girls' weekend disrupted by my hospital stay, but we made the best of it. Meanwhile, I couldn't help thinking how many people would be upset to know that I was in the hospital without telling them.

Truthfully, I wanted them to know. I needed their support. But how do you tell someone that you're in the hospital without them asking you what for? And if they live nearby, what would you tell them if they wanted to visit you? It's not a secret when they admit you to a room in the maternity wing. I had already spent that weekend telling four people that I was pregnant followed by "but I'm in the hospital." Announcing your pregnancy (especially your first) should be fun! Exciting! Creative! I didn't want to ruin the good news anymore that weekend.

I made my bed, now I had to sleep in it. Even if that bed was now a hospital bed. I wasn't admitted for long, but it still felt like a dirty secret. And I felt bad keeping it a secret. By this time, I wanted to shout from the rooftops, just so I could stop hiding it from people. But my husband still wasn't back yet.

When he finally got back we slowly began telling more people...but not quick enough. Another bout of miserable nausea left me dehydrated and in the hospital again. So now, having been fully rehydrated from my last hospital visit, we began telling everyone our news. We're not waiting any longer!

************************************************

What I wouldn't give to have told everyone that we were pregnant before my husband left for three weeks. What I would have done for the emotional and physical support. Suffering in silence is not worth it!

I've read countless testimonies of women who announced their pregnancy, and then miscarried, who offer their words of advice to wait. It feels like there are more women who tell you to wait, then there are stories saying that they wish they had announced it but didn't. I'm sure if I had miscarried I would feel differently, but that's not how my story went. Instead I ended up in the hospital twice and felt like I couldn't tell anyone. So I'm adding to that measly little pile of stories explaining why I wish we had announced our pregnancy earlier.
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If These Walls Could Talk


If walls could talk, what would they say? Would we want them to recall the things we've seen and the memories we cherish? Or would we tremble in fear at the things we don't know and the secrets they could share?

They have seen it all. No one can hide from them and nobody tries. It can be a scary thought thinking about what these walls can share, but if we set aside our own pride that says MY secrets are the desired treasure of the world, maybe, just maybe we could see a much bigger picture.

Sure, most of our houses today would share family secrets and neighborhood dramas. But then again they only have a couple decades of stories to share. Can you imagine the stories that the walls within a plantation house several centuries old would have?  If they could talk, can you imagine the centuries of history they could share? Their stories would go beyond secrets of individuals and deceit in one's family. Their stories would not depict an individual or a family, they would depict the history of our nation.

We would hear stories of how plantations were run. We could understand the risk and reward of being the plantation owner or gardner or slave.  We would hear stories of how masters truly treated their slaves. We could understand the hierarchical system of the household, throughout the centuries. We could hear stories of why the plantations failed. We could hear stories of who had to join the civil war and the families torn over southern and northern ideals. They could share how the end of the war effected the people who lost loved ones and who lost what they were fighting for.

Can you picture what it was like to first turn the switch that brings light to an entire room by electricity? These walls could. Can you picture what it was like to first turn a knob that could fill a tub with water? These walls could. Can you picture what it was like to first hear the ring from a human trying to talk to you on the other side of a phone? These walls could.

If walls could talk they could share a history far deeper than textbooks and more accurate than newspapers.  If walls could talk would they bother with personal secrets of individuals, or would they share the history of a nation?
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A Life In The Wilderness


I can no longer count the years I have been "on the go." I have moved so many times it took my once free spirit and drained it of any desire to live in new places. I have lived in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and Maine in the past two years and have had a total of four state changing moves in one calendar year.

Once upon a time I desired to "see the world" but now I feel as though I have been homeless for years, constantly moving for far too long. Prior to this season of life, prior to college, I lived in the same town and the same house all my life only every traveling for vacations. I, like the Israelites, had set my roots in a town before I was even born, but now have been on the move for what feels like forever.

At first I left with praise, only to grumble and complain shortly after. But grumbling no longer describes it, for I have been moving far too long. Wearisome is a much better word to describe the state it has become. It's been lonely, hopeless, and continuous, something the Israelites and I could have found solace in knowing we're not alone.

The Israelites and I hold two more commonalities, we both have had clear signs that God is providing for us, and yet we both have an absolutely terrible memory. For them it was food and water that they required in the desert and God provided every time. For me it was shelter, and God has provided beyond my own means.

And yet through all this, a part of me asks God why He took me from a home full of friends and family, like the Israelites begging to return to Egypt where they could fill their stomachs with food. It is moments like this that God foresaw, and it is moments like this that God took us both through the Red Sea to no longer allow us to return to our comfortable/complacent state. You see, had we returned to our previous life (me in my hometown and the Israelites in Egypt) we never would have grown up, much less grown at all. We both needed to move out and move on, despite the discomfort and grumbling, but God provided for our every need (not want, but need).

It's easy to read the miracles God blessed the Israelites with on their trek through the wilderness and wonder how they could forget God's clear provisions, and yet I do the same in my own life. The only difference is that I know the end of the story for the Israelites, so it's easier to point the finger. I know they find their way to the promised land, despite the years upon years of constant moving and homelessness/uprooting.

So as I point the finger at those complaining Israelites I can't help but face the fact that just as I know the ending to their story, so too has God given me the ending to mine...it is the same. God promised to the Israelites that they would reach the promised land and they did. God does not bring people through the wilderness, through trials, through pain, through anything without a clear purpose and a destination.

So I am here. I am ready to end this season of life and set roots where I am here in New Jersey. But the difficulties now is relearning how to set roots of permanence after being on the move for so long. How does one build a home when they've been living in a movable tent for so long? Setting roots does not solve problems, it is merely a different season of problems.

And just because I desire to set roots out of weariness does not mean I can stop listening to God's leading. I believe that I am here to set roots, and oh how I want to set roots, but that is not up to me or even to Steve. We set our roots where God leads and we enter into seasons of wilderness where God leads, all we have to do is continuously obey and hold faith that God has a purpose for it all.
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Puzzling Opposites


We've all heard and used the phrase "opposites attract" specifically within the context of relationships (friends, couples, etc). Whether we're referring to personality types, interests, or habits the phrase commonly applies. Sometimes it's used sarcastically to portray the difficulties as if it were some kind of cosmic joke, other times it's used to suggest some aspect of chance that would bring two opposites together to balance each other out. The phrase hints at some sort of truth, however I don't think it quite grasps the whole picture.

See, anyone who has been in a lasting relationship knows that after a while, if at all, opposites no longer "attract." In fact, opposites tend to conflict and cause distance between friends and spouses alike. Being in any sort of relationship where opposites coexist will at some point become very difficult simply because opposites don't naturally see eye to eye, but that in no way means the relationship is less valuable or desirable. Actually I would go so far to say that in spite of difficulty this kind of relationship is MOST valuable and should be MOST desirable.

I see an ideal relationship much like I see a puzzle; each person fills in the inadequacies or biased perspectives of the other so, although they can "get in each other's hairs" about some things, it's a balancing act that helps complete on another. While the concept of "completing one another" is often applied to couples, the same is true for deep friendships. In fact I think every kind of relationship we have helps complete each other in simple and in more significant ways. Character building is, in my opinion, the ultimate result of maintaining and building healthy relationships.

The relationships that have the deepest and most unique and long lasting effect on us are the ones that aren't because our opposites "attracted" but because those quirks, those opposite views and interests were MADE to fit into the equation of the relationship.

Anyone who has spent some time putting together a puzzle knows that there are basic and generic cuts to each piece much like everyone has shallow passerby type relationships, and many pieces and people can fill those basic gaps. But the deeper, more detailed, and more complicated cuts require a specific matching piece. That's why there is so much beauty and intrigue in the deepest of relationships (most notably, though not only, in a relationship between husband and wife) because fitting such detailed pieces together cannot happen by luck. Those pieces either have to be awkwardly forced together (either by themselves or by those around them) or there has to be a Maker who specifically designed those pieces to fit together. (And for those relationships forced together don't fret, the Designer can still mend the situation whether it be a morphing process or a surgical process, but only He gets to make that call.)

So, whether of friends or spouses, rather than saying "opposites attract" I think "opposites are designed to fit together" better incapsulates the beautiful complexities of a valuable relationship.
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A Faith Beyond Cultural Reason


My fiancé, Steve, and I met only a year and a month ago, been dating for eight and a half months, and are to be married in four. In our day and age that is abnormally quick and often seen to be irrational. Many loved ones have expressed concern to us and, honestly, I appreciate them loving us enough to approach us.

If you are in this category of concerned people, I understand because I've been there. I have seen both family and friends (including a brother and a bridesmaid) who have had similar speedy relationships that raised concern. To be honest they don't fit the mold of reason that our culture presents us. Culturally we are told to know the person inside and out before we could ever have enough information to be assured that the marriage can last. That's entirely reasonable.

I suppose you could call me a hypocrite for having such concerns with others having such short relationships before pursuing a lifelong marriage, but now I understand. I am not saying that all relationships should be so short since I have seen an equal amount of friends and family take years and years before marriage came into the picture.

In a world of uncertainty we grasp for ways to find assurance. Some people find assurance in time, Steve and I have found assurance elsewhere.

Back in high school one of my classmates came was engaged to marry...in high school! How absurd, the class agreed upon hearing the news. But really it wasn't out of the norm for her and her family. A few days later our teacher brought in some information on arranged marriages. Arranged marriages have been cultural for centuries throughout the ages, just not the past century. That's just not our culture in America, these days. The only arranged marriages are seen through popular dating sites that match up compatibility, but even those aren't seen to be 'arranged' per say, they are seen as filtering those whom we date.

Steve and I did not meet via any website, however I consider us to having had an arranged marriage. It was not our parents who arranged it, nor was it a friend who set us up on a blind date. No, we had a different kind of arranged marriage. Ours was arranged and designed by God. I do not say this to justify any sense of rushed behavior, in fact that fact is the only way I could go through with such a quick marriage. I had it in my mind that I would want to know my future spouse for years upon years. It made sense in that it offered a feeling of security.

But this is different.

I have an assurance I can only explain this way; that just as God made me, He made us for one another. It is not that we are head over heels for each other (though there is no love and desire lacking in our relationship), it is not that we are perfectly compatible for each other (though our differences cause us to grow every day...like it or not. Haha), it is simply that God brought us together and God kept us together. My commitment to God goes entirely hand in hand with my commitment to Steve.  While I see our relationship as such a blessing in my life and I love him so much, I recognize that it is also an act of obedience to God. Our relationship is an act of worship to God out of obedience, and what a blessing it is that I desire this relationship just as much. When I doubt our relationship I do not run to any aspect of Steve's character or his love for me, I run to God...and peace kicks out any doubt out of my mind.

Culturally, we don't know each other well enough for marriage. Culturally, we don't have enough proof that we will last. Culturally, we are not being reasonable getting married so soon. But God is bigger than that. God brought us together, kept us together, and He also leads us together and He is leading us to marriage in this timeframe. As terrifying as it is for me to disregard the reason I abided by for so long, to date for years before marriage, I have faith.

When the lovey feelings fade, when circumstances in life alter our personalities, when age increases and boredom tries to knock on our door...I have assurance in God.
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Act on Faith

Who doesn't know the story of Noah? He's the guy who built the ark and checked all the animals off the list as two by two they marched themselves onto this massive boat before sticking their smiling personified faces out of a porthole as they floated around in the pretty blue waters that covered the earth.

Okay well that's the kids version I'm sure you've heard a time or two at least. The point is we all know who Noah is. As soon as someone mentions "Noah," people think "ark" and "flood." For those of us who grew up listening to this story we know, as we've always known, that Noah built an ark that saved his family and all those furry smiling animals from the flood that destroyed the rest of the world. But that's also a problem. We know the story well enough that the ending is just as certain as the beginning.

We've essentially skipped to the back of the book and read the last chapter already so when we read through the instructions God gives Noah (Genesis 6:14-21), we don't think much of it. Well, maybe some of us have given it a second glance (or listened to Bill Cosby's comedy skit) and recognize that Noah was essentially living in a desert and the thought of a flood, let alone rain, was just absurd so we know it wasn't rainbows and unicorns of joy for Noah to follow these instructions. However that's not the hardest obstacle.

Noah was given instructions by God. Simple, right? He even told Noah why he needed to follow the instructions. Motivation and reason, great! But despite this labor intensive process of following the instructions, God did not give him any sort of a time frame.

Sound familiar?

Okay well I can't speak for you but I can certainly attest, that Noah is not the only one that God has given a plan to without any sense of a time frame attached to it.

God essentially told Noah where he was headed eventually, and gave him a task to do in the mean time. It wasn't until AFTER (6:22 - 7:4) Noah had finished God's instructions that God came, gave him more instructions, and told him any sort of time frame. Not to mention the time frame finally given was such an immeasurably small amount compared to the century that Noah had to clock in before finding that out. A century, folks. That's longer than most of us will even be alive!

I often wonder how many times Noah asked God for a specific, or even a general, time frame. You know, ask God to throw him any kind of scrap of information to help fuel his motivation even just the tiniest bit. Now Noah was ultimately faithful, but I wonder how often he had moments of doubt or even complaint. If he was anything like me...he had quite a few of them.

I like to know the whole picture. I like to know how to get from point A to point B, how long it will take me to get there, and what it will look like when I do get there. But most times I'm not privy to all that information which makes it hard to act on what little information I am given. But then I guess that's the point now isn't it? Cause if I knew all that information, I wouldn't have to act on faith and I probably wouldn't be as focused on God while doing so either.

Our God loves us so very much that He is jealous for us. And you know what? He's allowed to be. He has every right to withhold just enough information from me to force me to act on faith cause, to be quite honest, otherwise my focus would be less on Him and much more on the goings on around me.

Acting on faith isn't easy. But I can tell you you're not alone. Hebrews 11 lists a number of people who had to act by faith. You're probably already well acquainted with their stories and know the ending just as well as you know the beginning, just like God knows the ending to your story just as well as He knows the beginning. But the individual never knows all that information cause it's all about acting on faith.


Hebrews 11:7
"By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household."
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Janelle Cz.

  • About
      I’m not one of those people who have an off switch for their brain...I missed out on that feature. So daily I am learning from things around me that happen and occasionally those odd thoughts and observations are worth sharing.
      ~*~
      Observation prompts reflection, reflection generates investigation, investigation leads to conclusion, and conclusion induces cognition.
      ~*~
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